Blood Brothers 1973 Chang Cheh

Here we go, folks - it's Iron Triangle time again!  The holy kung fu movie trinity of Director Chang Cheh and actors Ti Lung and David Chiang are at it once more, and this time they brought along Chen Kuan Tai as their Plus One.  This time around, not only do lucky viewers get a history lesson, but a valuable life lesson as well.

Chang Wen-Hsiang (David Chiang) and Huang Chung (Chen Kuan Tai) are bandits ekeing out an existence sticking up travelers who pass by their stretch of road.  As you might have surmised by their last names (remember kids - last name comes first in China!) they're not brothers, but blood brothers who've taken an oath to stick by each other through thick and thin.  Huang Chung is also married to the lovely Mi-lan ( Li Ching), but the three of them live together happily.

Then one day, the bandit brothers come across Ma Hsin-yi (Ti Lung) on his way somewhere important.  He looks fancy and he's alone, so it's stick-up time!  Not so fast!  Seems like Ma Hsin-yi is quite the martial artist!  He takes on both of them and fights to a draw.  Everyone is mutually impressed with each other - so much so that Ma asks Chang, Hung, and his wife to join him in ridding the countryside of the Long Hairs.  Since this movie is based on real life and the main characters were all really real, it helps to know a little history:


This movie takes place during the Taiping Rebellion.  From 1850 to 1864, a rebellion was led against the ruling Qing Dynasty by a man named Hong Xiuquan.  He had converted to Christianity, and believed himself to be the reincarnated brother of Jesus.  He established the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom at Nanjing in southern China.  He sought to replace Buddhism, Confucianism, and folk religion with a form of Christianity.  At it's height, there were around 30 million people in the Heavenly Kingdom.  They were called Long Hairs, because at that time the only legal way you could wear your hair was in a queue (a single long braind down your back), but the rebels didn't do that, so they were crushed.  Not just for that, but still....


Since this movie opens with David Chiang being led away in chains, and people yelling that Ma Hsin-Yi has just been assasinated, it's not too much of a stretch to figure out just what becomes of these blood brothers and their unbreakable bond.  Most of the movie is in flashback, while David Chiang recounts just why he did what he did.  This is where the valuable life lesson comes into play.  If you must learn only one thing from this movie (but really, you should also look into the Taiping Rebellion - it's really interesting), it's this:  Bro's Before Ho's.  Seriously.  And I do mean Seriously.

I gotta admit, it was a little strange to see a woman with such a big part in a Chang Cheh movie.  He's notorious for hating women, or at least relegating them to extremely minor roles.  I kept wondering when something horrible would happen to her ( Not for any personal reasons, you understand.  It's a Chang Cheh movie.  That stuff always happens in a Chang Cheh movie!) and then I finally had my "OOOH!" moment.  He seems to be saying, "You want me to put a woman in my movies?   And you want me to make her an actual character?  Fine.  See what happens?  Are you happy now?"  Then we get what we asked for....in spades.

It's also worth noting that John Woo was an assistant director on this film.  If you've seen John Woo's movies, it's all there.  Slow motion deaths, slow motion male bonding ( I think his experience on this film greatly influenced his Bullet In the Head.  If you can find that movie, watch it now!) and slow motion rolling down hills for extended periods of time.  Ok, that last one doesn't happen in his movies so much, but it happens here enough to never have to see it again.  There aren't any doves, though.  That's a plus.

Blood Brothers has finally been released on DVD here in the US by Dragon Dynasty.  There's not much to say about the DVD other than, well, it exists.  The picture looks good, but the subtitle translation is horrible - almost as bad as the old VHS bootlegs of Hong Kong movies in the 80's.  There is an English Dub track, but I stay away from those.  Other than that, you get nothing and are forced to like it.  This movie kicks ass, so at least it's a fair trade.

Silent Scream 1980 Denny Harris

Aren't slasher movies great?  Maybe it's because I grew up in the '80's that I have such fond memories of those movies, the Friday the 13ths and Nightmare on Elm Streets that came out every year like clockwork, and then played continuously on HBO and Cinemax for years afterward.  I even love Happy Birthday to Me and April Fool's Day.  I'll watch them all, no matter what.  A few years ago, I saw a trailer for this movie on one of the 42nd Street Forever compilations (love the commentary) and I knew I had to see this.  Thanks to Netflix Instant, now I have.

This slasher movie doesn't have a holiday theme like so many of them do.  It's just about 4 college kids who are renting rooms from a creepy lady and her creepy son.  There's two boys and two girls, and they pair off fairly quickly ( the first night there, in fact).  After a night of drinking and a walk on the beach to their new house, one of them is killed.  That brings in the cops.  Here are the cops:

That's Avery Schreiber in the first photo.  You may remember him from such terrifying things as The Muppet Show and Love, American Style.  Both of these things make him the perfect choice for a hardbitten, no nonsense cop.  Here - look at him again....

Nope, I don't see it either....

The other guy is Cameron Mitchell.  He was an American actor who was stuck on TV, so he went to Italy and got tons of roles in Spaghetti Westerns and Giallos.  But he came back to America for this movie, and we are all better for it.

Anyway, after I got over having the least cop-like actors ever acting like the least cop-like cops ever, the movie got pretty good.  One of the characters, after the first murder on the beach, even says to another character, "Hey, you wanna go swimming?"

At which point the other character says, "You wanna go swimming?  Even with the murder that just happened?"

Then we get the classic comeback, "Hey, I moved into this house because it was on the beach.  I'm not gonna waste it!"

And then they go swimming....near where their friend was just murdered less than twelve hours earlier.....Awesome.

But then just when you think it's going to become completely predictable and boring, Silent Scream  throws in a few curveballs which totally make it worth your time.  You won't be able to figure it out right away, and it even serves up a little Nazi themed repression out of left field.  Basically, it goes a little batshit crazy towards the end, but in a good way.  You should definitely check it out.

Limitless 2011 Neil Burger

See if you can wrap your head around this premise:  Guy down on his luck starts taking drugs, feels unstoppable and invincible, has a good few months and then starts the downward spiral that always happens in movies about guys (or girls) who take drugs.  Now, instead of a run of the mill drug like cocaine or heroin, imagine for a minute a more science fiction-y drug that allows you to use all of your brain.....and there you have Limitless.

It wasn't marketed as a drug movie - but it definitely is.  That's not a bad thing, though.  Drug movies can be entertaining if done well.  No one's gonna say Requiem for a Dream isn't a great movie.  Now Limitless isn't in the same league as that film, but it's not trying to be.  It really is just a slightly science fiction-y take on your standard American drug drama.

Bradley Cooper is the loser who starts winning thanks to his little pills.  Robert De Niro is the financial tycoon who takes an interest in his theories regarding the stock market.  There's also a Russian loan shark, a disapproving girlfriend, and lots of random good looking people who populate the parts of the movie when Bradley Cooper is successful.

So far, it's pretty average.  Entertaining, but average.  And just when you think it's going to be another moralistic tale, it takes a turn towards an extremely satisfying conclusion the likes of which aren't seen in American drug movies.   It's then that I realized why the trailers for this movie completely downplayed the whole drug angle in favor of the science fiction aspects.  If people knew what this movie advocated, they would be morally outraged.  That outrage would be ridiculous and completely without merit, but this is America, so being uninformed and furious is expected.  Watch it and see for yourself.  Tell me I'm wrong.

Tarkan Versus the Vikings 1971 Mehmet Aslan

I haven't seen too many Turkish movies.  The ones I have seen - Three Monkeys, Distant, and Dry Summer - are all serious dramas.  I knew that wacky Turkish exploitation movies existed, but I never saw one before today.

And what a movie!  It's not a good movie or even well made, but it is something else.  It concerns  Tarkan the Barbarian.  He's a Turk, and he's quite the badass.  He's escorting the Yonca, the daughter of Atilla the Hun, with his two trusty dogs by his side.  His main friend is his older dog, Kurt.  The younger dog is around, but he's learning how to be a good Turkish dog from his father, the aforementioned Kurt.

When Yonca and Tarkan the Barbarian stop at a local Hun (Turk) fortress, they're attacked by Commander Toro of the Vikings.  You can tell their Vikings, because they arrive in a ship that looks exactly like the magic boat tht took Jimmy and Freddy the Magic Flute to Living Island in H.R. Pufnstuf.  That, and they wear cutoffs.  They're Vikings.

The Vikings attack, killing all the men, women, and children.  Well, not all the women....In true Viking style, they snatch up the foxiest ones - Yonca included - and take them back to Viking Land.
They also manage to put Tarkan out of commission with a few well placed arrows and even kill Kurt Sr.  When Tarkan comes to, that's when you find out that the younger dog is named Kurt, also.  Not Kurt, Jr. - just Kurt.  Kurt is dead, long live Kurt.

This is where the movie gets truly weird.  Tarkan is all but forgotten for about twenty minutes while he recuperates from his injuries, and we get to see the inflatable octopus that the Vikings worship, along with secret Chinese torture rituals.  Then Commander Toro becomes king, sacrifices are made to the octopus balloon, and oh yeah, Tarkan feels better.

He's still pretty incompetent, though, so Kurt becomes the Gromit to his Wallace.  Seriously, how many times can the hero of the movie be captured (lots, apparently) and be saved by his wall climbing, throat biting, door opening buddy Kurt (lots, again)?

Just when you start getting into Tarkan and this being a Tarkan movie (there were 7 of them), he gets knocked out and misses the next twenty minutes or so.  So not only has it become a live action Wallace and Gromit cartoon, it's also quite a bit like a barbarian Ronsencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.  It's more fun to wonder if Tarkan really is the star of his own movie or not.  I guess maybe Kurt Versus the Vikings wouldn't have been as popular.  That Kurt is one resourceful dog.....

Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen 2010 Andrew Lau

Have you seen Bruce Lee's Fist of Fury?  Or, as it's known in it's dubbed American version, The Chinese Connection?  This movie is a sequel to that movie.  I'm not saying that you have to see the original Bruce Lee movie to have fun with this one, but it helps.  If you're too lazy to watch that one, I'll catch you up to speed:  Bruce Lee is a character named Chen Zhen.  Chen Zhen has been away for a while, and when he comes back he finds out that his kung fu master is dead.  He had been killed in a kung fu vs. karate showdown with the Japanese.  That makes Bruce Lee mad.  He goes over to the Japanese karate school, kicks all their asses, and leaves.  The Japanese have never been nice to the Chinese, so of course they retaliate against Bruce Lee and his kung fu school.  The law gets involved and the Japanese quite literally get away with murder.  This makes Bruce Lee so mad he's just gotta kill back.  So he does.  Lots.  The police and Japanese soldiers come to take him away, at which point he fills with Nationalist Pride and charges the armed soldiers.  The screen freezes mid-charge, but you hear the guns firing, so you know that Bruce eats it in the end for his country.

Or does he?

See, that original movie has been remade quite a few times - notably Jet Li's Fist of Legend - so it was up to savvy movie producers to find a new angle for a new generation.  "Maybe he lived!", they thought, and a new movie was born.  To make it classy, they hired the guy who made the Infernal Affairs movies, Andrew Lau ( you know those movies better as The Departed by Marty Scorsese.  That's right - The Departed was a remake), and they got current kung fu golden boy (and member of the previous generation) Donnie Yen to star in it.

It seems Chen Zhen survived and is now helping the French in World War I.  It would all seem kind of silly if the filmmakers didn't pull out all the stops and put in an incredible action set piece to get everything started.  Once the audience (and the Germans) knows who they're dealing with, it's back to Shanghai for Chen Zhen and his buddies, armed only with a false name and Nationalistic Pride.  In another nod to the great Bruce Lee, the costume that Chen Zhen wears when he hands the Japanese their collective asses is the same one Bruce Lee wore as Kato on TV's The Green Hornet.  He's known as The Masked Avenger, and he's a hero to all the downtrodden Chinese everywhere.

 So far, it's pretty entertaining.  Then things take the requisite bad turn in the second act, and the end is all kung fu ass-kicking glory.  Really, you need to see Fist of Fury to appreciate what they've done here.  You don't even need to see all of it.  Watch the fights.  Skip around if you have to (Shame on you.  That movie's awesome!  Watch it all!).  See that suit he's wearing in the poster?  It's a copy of the same one Bruce Lee wore in the original.  They even reference the original in the poster, for god's sakes!  It's like the Great Chinese Story!  Everybody knows it!  Don't be left out!  Watch this movie!

Oh, and for anybody who says that it's all a pean to Communism or Socialism or whatever -ism is the bad -ism for the week, just shut up.  It's a movie.  There's no hidden agenda.  You're not too smart for the Chinese and their sneaky ways.  Hero was a great movie and you missed it.  Legend of the Fist is pretty great and you're gonna miss it, too.  Think about that when you go see Captain America, smart guy.

Horrible Bosses 2011 Seth Gordon

Before I talk about this movie, I'd like to talk about the events leading up to my seeing it.  I wasn't very excited to see this movie.  I thought it would be entertaining but forgettable, so I wasn't expecting much.  My girlfriend and I sat down in the theater, waited through the 10 or so minutes of commercials for Coke, The Smurfs movie, and all the drama that was going on in the lives of the people around us ("And then I said, She's not even my friend!  Why would you believe her? " "What did he say then?"  "Nothing!  He knew he was busted!" etc., etc.).  Then the previews started.

First up - the Fright Night remake.  It looks pretty fun, actually.  Next - the Footloose remake.  It looks horrible.  But it also looks like an extremely faithful remake of the original, which is depressing, because I liked the original at the time.  I was a little kid, but still...  Next up - the one where Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds switch bodies.  Which then reminds me of all the body switching movies I saw as a kid in the '80's.  There's a reason no one's clamoring for a re-release of Vice Versa.

Counting The Smurfs, that makes 4 remakes coming out soon and no hope for originality in the coming weeks at the air-conditioned multiplex.  Between that news, and the impending court dates of my fellow moviegoers, I was not in the best mood to see Horrible Bosses.

But it's hilarious.

Really, I haven't laughed this hard at a movie in a long time.  I know everyone loves The Hangover movies, and they're ok, but this is the movie that I'll be watching and quoting for the next few years.  Jason Bateman does his straight man routine to perfection.  Jason Sudekis from Saturday Night Live is funny as the horndog friend, and Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is fantastic.  I'd never reallly watched that show before, but I will now.  He's that funny.  Watching these three come up with and try to execute a plan to, well, execute their bosses is fantastic.

As the bosses, Kevin Spacey does a funny version of his Swimming With Sharks character, Jennifer Aniston is actually funny as the sexually harrassing dentist boss,  but Colin Farrell is the best boss in the movie.  His Bobby Pettit, a coked-up, kung fu practicing (He's a green belt!  And don't you forget it!) slimeball with the worst comb-over in history, gets a gold star.  He deserves his own movie.

I haven't even gotten to Jaime Foxx as the "murder consultant".  It was when he showed up and explained to the characters that they should all kill each other's bosses, that an old man behind me decided to exclaim to his neighbor in an old man whisper that was 10 times too loud "LIKE STRANGERS ON A TRAIN!  YOU KNOW, HITCHCOCK!!!".  At which point, one of the characters says "Like Hitchcock!  You know, Strangers on a Train!"  This thrilled the old man to no end, because it was like the movie had talked directly to him, so he laughed uproariously.

Even with all that was going on at the theater around me, I enjoyed this movie enormously.  I definitely recommend seeing it in the theater with the biggest crowd you can.  Really, the only thing that could ruin it is a crying baby.  That means you have about a 1 in 3 shot of having a really good time.

Planet of the Vampires 1965 Mario Bava

Quick - what can you do if you have $1.05 and about 6 yards of plastic wrap?  Give up?  You can make one of the most influential science fiction movies of all time - that's what!  Wait - you've never heard of Planet of the Vampires?  Have you heard of Alien?  How about Aliens?  But it's called Planet of the Vampires!  I'm confused.....

Don't be confused.  Planet of the Vampires is an Italian science fiction movie that has influenced countless movies that came after it.  Some of those movies borrowed some of it's themes and ideas, and some of those movies - namely the Alien series - stole designs and sequences outright.

This movie concerns two ships that pick up on some sort of (distress?) beacon and set down to investigate it.  Once they land, the crews are overcome with the desire to kill one another.  If not for the courage of one of the fearless captains, both ships would be lost.  He manages to beat some sense into the remaining crewmembers, and they explore this new planet, encountering many dangerous things along the way - not the least of which is their very own deceased fellow crewmembers, brought back to life by some strange power.  What is causing all of this?  What are those lights?  Are there vampires, or was that just a lame American title? (That's a yes.)

The most interesting things about this movie are the parts that were stolen for Alien & Aliens.    The design of the heroes ship is a nice shiny version of the ship found on LV-426 in Alien.  The Space Jockey from Alien  is here as well.  He looks almost exactly the same.  The team of (Marines) astronauts can't find any living people on the planet, but they keep getting killed off while on (duty) lookout.  They don't find one little girl to take care of, though.  Way to be original, James Cameron.

Mario Bava directed this, before his more celebrated slasher movies like Bay of Blood (Twitch of the Death Nerve for you Tarantino lovers out there) or Lisa and the Devil.  It's violent, I suppose, but in a sort of harmless Sixties way.  It's definitely worth seeing, and it's on Netflix Instant Watch right now, so check it out soon.

Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter, Jr. 1999 Errol Morris

He's called Mr. Death.  He designs and builds better ways to execute someone.  Nothing gets him more excited than finding a more efficent and humane way to execute criminals.  He's the most unassuming, mousy man you'll ever see.  That makes him strangely compelling.  He keeps saying crazier and crazier things regarding his occupation, but he seems completely harmless, so it's almost quaint and likeable.

Then he drops the bomb.

According to him, the Holocaust did not happen.

Well, it happened - but the whole gas chamber thing is a lie.  Since he builds gas chambers, he knows how they work and according to him the "gas chambers" couldn't possibly be used for gassing people.
This is where the movie gets really interesting.  How can someone ignore copious amounts of evidence and witness testimony to come to such a conclusion?

I'll tell you how - he goes to Auschwitz and steals some bricks.  From Auschwitz.  With a cameraman filming the whole thing.  Then he writes a paper denying the Holocaust and becomes a minor celebrity on the Holocaust denying circuit.

The only reason I don't mind telling you about the entire movie is that I'm not ruining it.  You have to see it to believe it.  You'll laugh, your jaw will drop, you won't be able to believe what you're seeing and hearing....You must watch it.

The Warrior's Way 2010 Sngmoo Lee

Have you ever seen a movie that seems like it was made just for you?  It has everything you like in movies - all in the same movie - so it's a lot easier to overlook it's flaws and imperfections.  That's what this movie was like for me.  There's just no way to be objective about it.  That's also another way of saying I'm slightly embarrased that I liked it as much as I did.

First of all, it's a green-screen movie.  It's all hyper-real and super fake.  I don't love all green-screen movies ( I'm looking at you, 300 ) but I do like a fair amount of them.  Sin City, Casshern, Goemon - I love you all.  Now I can add The Warrior's Way to that list.

Secondly, it mixes martial arts (this time it's swordplay) with a western.  And the western town is popluated by members of a derelict circus!  With a half built Ferris Wheel in the background!  Now I know this isn't the first Western with martial arts ( Red Sun and The Fighting Fists of Shanghai Joe ) or a circus ( Boot Hill ) involved, but c'mon!  How could the fire breather or jugglers not use their combined circus talents to fight the invading ninjas and marauding soldiers?  How can anyone not think this movie is awesome?!

Thirdly, there are some pretty good actors that were roped into making this film.  Korean star Dong-gun Jang ( Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War) is the star, but let's be real.  Nobody in America knows who he is.  Geoffrey Rush ( The King's Speech ) is the town drunk with a secret.  Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns) is the novice knife thrower with a secret.  Tony Cox ( Bad Santa ) is the Ringmaster of the circus.  Danny Huston ( The Bad Guy in Everything) is the bad guy leader of the local band of marauders.  As the man who taught The Warrior everything he knows, the producers got Shaw Brothers legend Ti Lung (Almost Every Shaw Brothers Movie Ever Made). 

So to recap:  Swordfights, gunfights, circuses, Ferris Wheels, ninjas, child endangerment, laundry, sharpshooting, horrible scarring, opera, and incredibly stylized colors and backgrounds all come together in one of the more entertaining movies I've seen all year.  Give it a chance.  I dare you to be bored.

Season of the Witch 2011 Dominic Sena

I'm sort of fascinated by Nicolas Cage and his desperate need to pay off the IRS and not be broke.  He seems to accept any role offered to him, and because he says yes, some really iffy movies get made.  Sometimes they're awesome - Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - sometimes they're awesome trash - Drive Angry - and sometimes they're just trash.  This joins Knowing in the trash pile.

Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman play buddies in the Crusades.  Before every battle, they make a bet on who will kill the most infidels.  Whoever comes up short has to pay the bar tab that night.  Sounds fair.  Then Nicolas Cage discovers that -oh my god- they kill women and children too in this Crusade thing!  That's not fair at all, so the two buddies decide to quit this whole Crusade bag and hit the road.

Since the Church is like the mob - once you're out, they pull you back in - Nic and Ron get blackmailed into pulling one last job, and then they're out for good.  This time they have to escort a team of religious folks who are taking a witch to an abbey to be burned at the stake.

Things don't turn out well for most of the people involved, but honestly, I kind of tuned out at this point.  And I didn't miss anything.  I mean, I saw when characters died, and I even correctly guessed how and when certain characters would go, but I just didn't care.  At all.  There's nothing worse than a bad Nicolas Cage movie that's also boring.  It's not even fun bad.  It's just lame.

Pay your bills, buddy.  At least you'll be able to stop making movies like this one.

Ode to Billy Joe 1976 Max Baer Jr.

Welcome to another edition of "Why The Hell Isn't This On DVD?".  The movie in question is Ode to Billy Joe.  It was made in 1976, was a big hit, and promptly disappeared.  Now it's back, thanks to Netflix Instant Watch, and it's pretty fantastic.

The movie follows in the grand tradition of films based on songs.  What's that?  No good movies were ever based on songs?  What about Convoy?  Or Take This Job and Shove It?  This movie's different, though.  I swear.  Yes, it was directed by Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies, but still.  I'm not going to bother with the plot details - listen to the song, it's all there.

The film looks fantastic.  It was shot on location in Mississippi, near the spots mentioned in Bobbie Gentry's song.  I was surprised to see that the cinematographer basically did years and years of TV shows after this, which is a real shame.  It would look spectacular on Blu-ray.  Most of the extras in the movie appear to be locals, which adds to the realism of the film.

Then there's Robby Benson.  When I was a kid, Robby Benson was in everything.  HBO had a habit of running the same 10 movies for what seemed like months at a time, which meant that alongside the Robby Benson-free  Beastmaster and Young Doctors in Love, I saw Ice Castles, One on One, and Running Brave pretty much nonstop.  When I saw Kon Ichikawa's Tokyo Olympiad, which contains the real Billy Mills running his real gold medal race, I thought "Oh my god, he really does look like Robby Benson!"  And guess what?  Robby Benson totally comes through in this movie, too. 

That's not to say that his love interest, Bobby Lee Hartley (Glynnis O'Connor), is anything special, though.  Billy Joe does jump off the Tallahatchie Bridge, after all.  Bobby Lee does nothing except radiate overwhelming plainness.  Glynnis O'Connor is a good actress - she has a great scene near the end with the sawmill owner (James Best - Roscoe P. Coltrane, himself!) - but she doesn't seem to be worth all the trouble.

But it is a story about young lovers, after all, so maybe Robby Benson's uncontrollable urges are understandable in that light.  They even got Michel Legrand to do some appropriately romantic music for the film.  He did the score for The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, one of the most romantic movies of all time, so he knows what he's doing.  In fact, they loaded up talented people on both sides of the camera for this film.  Not bad for a movie based on a hit song.

It's certainly better than Harper Valley P.T.A..

Brannigan 1975 Douglas Hickox

He was supposed to be Dirty Harry, but he turned it down.  Then Dirty Harry became a huge hit, and the old cowboy had to leave the ranch to prove that he could still handle the punks of today (1975).  Because of that, we have Brannigan - in which 68 year old John Wayne plays a tough as nails Chicago cop sent to London to bring back a gangster named Larkin (John Vernon).

Since that would be a boring and short movie, hijinks ensue, and Brannigan, his Scotland Yard boss Sir Charles (Richard Attenborough), and driver Jenny (Judy Geeson) have to find Larkin before other bad guys kill him.  It really doesn't matter, though.  The whole movie is just an excuse to have The Duke amble through London insulting everyone and causing property damage.  I actually think that this movie is a huge reason for the "Ugly American" stereotype.  John Wayne thinks all English people are simple, and goddamn it, he's not giving up his gun!  He's from Chicago!  He needs his gun!  He still speaks like this is a western!  He does what he wants!  USA!  USA!  USA!

Probably the most famous sequence of the movie happens when Brannigan goes into a pub to talk to a suspect.  Through his very special John Wayne powers, he causes a brawl.  Not just any brawl, but a full fledged saloon brawl!  He's punching people and calling them "Pardner".  People are being thrown at the piano player, and one guy even falls through the breakaway railing on the upper level.  The only things missing are cowboy hats.

It's not that bad of a movie - it's just a little sad to see John Wayne look so out of place.  He has the same problem as Kiera Knightley - he just doesn't look like he belongs in the present.  John Wayne should never be in a car.  Or a pub.  Or a bathroom.  It just feels wrong.  But he is still likeable, and through it all, you really want to see him catch the bad guy, even if he is visibly loaded in a few scenes (especially the showdown with Larkin's kidnappers - I could smell the booze through my TV!).  Don't go thinking he's too old for this, though.  Sylvester Stallone's making The Expendables 2, and when that comes out, he'll be a ripe, old 66.  Food for thought, isn't it?

The Tree of Life 2011 Terrence Malick

Remember 8 1/2?  Federico Fellini's movie about how hard it was to be himself?  Whoever hasn't seen 8 1/2, raise your hand.  Have you seen All That Jazz?  Bob Fosse's movie about how hard it was to be Bob Fosse?  Well, now we have Terrence Malick's The Tree of Life.  It might not specifically be about how hard it is grow up Terrence Malick, but it's rreeaallly close to being about that exact thing.

Before he got into making movies, Terrence Malick taught philosophy at MIT.  It's a good thing to keep that in mind while watching this film, because it takes serious cojones to make a semi-autobiographical film about your experiences growing up, and also include the beginnings of life on Earth as part of your story.  That sequence is fantastic, but c'mon - no one is that important.  Look!  There's a lifeless ball of rock in space!  There's the sun!  Now there's life!  OOOOOH, DINOSAURS!!!!!  There's that meteor....so long dinosaurs.....Look!  It's Terrence Malick - I mean, a baby being born! 

Maybe I'm being a little hard on this movie.

It is pretty fantastic, mostly.  I actually loved every second of it for about the first hour.  Then it got a little long.  Then it got a lot longer.  At this point I started watching all the fantastic cinematography and stopped paying attention to the story, such as it is.  It was at this time I realized that you could show this movie, with the score intact, but no dialogue and it would be the greatest movie ever made.  With the dialogue there, it becomes pretentious from time to time, probably moreso if you're not in the mood to watch an introspective, slow film about human life.

The funny thing is - as I'm writing about this movie, I want to see it again.  Pretentiousness aside, it's something everyone should see.

Rubber 2010 Quentin Dupieux

This is a simple story about Robert, a tire.  One day Robert wakes up, learns to roll, and starts to explore his world.  He's also telekenetic.  He uses his powers to blow up his enemies.  If you're a bunny, crow, bottle, or human head - look out!

Now you might be asking yourself "Why would I watch a movie about a homicidal tire?  That's ridiculous!"  Well, it is, but in the best possible way.  It's also got a lot more going on than just your basic homicidal tire movie.  It's definitely a love it or hate it move.  I love it.  I love everything about it.  Just when you think there's nothing else they can do with this movie, it takes a turn into more and more absurd territory.

Everybody should check this out.  Even if you hate it, you've never seen anything quite like it.  That's more than I can say about most movies out today.

Fellini's Casanova 1976 Federico Fellini

Oh, look!  It's another fantastic movie that's not on DVD in the US!  Imagine that!  It's on DVD in Europe, because it's Fellini.  Not here, though. Thanks again to Netflix Instant Watch for streaming this movie for a few months.  Hopefully, there will be a Criterion release of this sometime in the future.  It's that good.

This being Fellini's Casanova - key word being Fellini - it's not exactly a faithful telling of Casanova's life.  There's plenty in there, but it's been jumbled around and compressed to make room for the Fellini-esque parts of the film.  I was wondering how he would work in his love of circuses and clowns into the story of a man who slept his way through Europe.  Never fear - Fellini finds a way.  The sex scenes themselves are fairly acrobatic and circus-like.  Donald Sutherland as Casanova is completely unrecognizable under his wigs and makeup.  He looks like an aristocratic Ichabod Crane.  Since this was the age of overdubbed Italian films, he also speaks Italian.  After a while, you'll forget you're watching a famous American actor and lose yourself in this strange scarecrow's amorous adventures.

The entire film looks and feels like a cross between Baz Luhrmann at his Moulin Rouge-iest and Tarsem Singh's The Fall.  Oh yeah, it was directed by Federico Fellini, so it has the emotional impact of 8 1/2 as well.  You might feel a little silly watching Casanova row his way across acres of black trash bag waves, or have Clash of the Titans flashbacks (the original one) when you see his favorite erotic toy, but you'll be suprised at just how emotionally invested you are in the character at the end.  There are more sequences of cinematic beauty in this film than most filmakers achieve in their entire career.

Prison breaks, phantom carnivals, stuffed whales (Hello, Werckmeister Harmonies!), giant women, man-made women, spectacular chandelier maintenance and more await anyone lucky enough to see this movie.  If you've never seen a Fellini movie before, check this out.  If you have seen a Fellini movie before, get ready for one of his best.  I can't wait to see it again.

The Resident 2011 Antti Jokinen

Looks like I fell into the Straight to DVD trap again.  It's my fault.  I thought, "It's a dollar at Redbox!  It's by the new Hammer Studios!  I love the old Hammer movies!  It can't be that bad!"  When will I learn?  Sigh.....

The world's most famous transexual, Hilary Swank, stars as a woman(!) ER doctor who needs a new place.  She(?) finds one in a building that's owned by Jeffrey Dean Morgan and his grandfather, Christopher Lee.  That's right,  Christopher Lee!  In a new Hammer Studios movie!  See?  It can't be that bad!  But it is!

It's not long before Hillary Swank and Jeffrey Dean Morgan start their little neighborly fling.  Then someone gets cold feet, and someone loses it.  Since this movie is called The Resident and not The Landlord, you'd think the nutty one would me Mr/Mrs Swank, but no!  It's the other guy.  He's nuts!  He's a peeper!  He drugs her!  He hides under her bed!  Creepy!

Not really.  Hillary Swank takes her clothes off a lot.  That's creepy.  Jeffrey Dean Morgan does a really good job in this movie being pervy, but it's still not good.  Stupid Straight to DVD curse.  I hate you.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice 2010 Jon Turteltaub

Oh, how I wish I was 8 years old.  Because if I was 8 years old, I would absolutely LOVE this movie.  I'm not 8 anymore, so it wasn't the greatest movie of all time to me ( that would be Jaws).  It's pretty entertaining, though.  The special effects are extremely well done.  Nicolas Cage is phoning it in for the most part.  Jay Baruchel - welcome to character roles for the rest of your life.  Too nerdy for the masses.  And Alfred Molina, you make every movie better, you really do.

So Jay Baruchel plays a guy named Dave.  Dave is a student at NYU, and he's working on an experiiment involving Nikolai Tesla's theories about electricity.  Dave loves this girl, but he's too painfully awkward to ask her out.  She's gorgeous, of course.  Now if only Dave can muster the courage to ask her out, she'll totally say yes, since she'll see how unbelievably awesome Dave is when he wows her with his Dave-ness.

Then Nicolas Cage and Alfred Molina get released from an urn, look up Dave - he's supposed to have a doll with the evil sorceress Morgana Le Fay in it - and fight for the doll.  Nicolas Cage is also trying to release Monica Bellucci from the doll, because she's Monica Bellucci.  Lots of special effects ensue.

It's a Disney movie, so it's pretty lame in parts.  I mean, it is based on the Fantasia Mickey Mouse cartoon, so you can't expect too much.  If you were to compare this movie and the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, they're pretty much equally entertaining.  Johnny Depp's performance gives Pirates the edge, but if you have young children who need to be entertained, you could do a lot worse than The Sorcerer's Apprentice.  Haunted Mansion, anyone?

The Incredible Melting Man 1977 William Sachs

When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I read Fangoria magazine a lot.  Sometimes they would put fold-out posters on the back of the covers highlighting some monster or other.  It was usually pretty gory and I loved it.  My favorite one was from a movie I'd never even heard of before:  The Incredible Melting Man.  It was the grossest thing I'd ever seen.  My 10 year old brain couldn't comprehend how awesome that movie must be.  I promised myself right then and there that one day I'd watch that movie and my life would never be the same.

Well, now I've watched that movie, and my life's gonna pretty much be the same.  It's too bad, too, because the makeup effects for the Melting Man are pretty fantastic.  They're fantastic because they were done by Rick Baker, way before he made the gorillas in those mists, or Eddie Murphy the only actor in an Eddie Murphy movie.

The plot of the movie goes like this:  Astronauts up in space get bombarded by cosmic rays, one survives, becomes super strong, homicidal, and more than a little bit melty.  It's explained by his doctor, Dr. Ted, "The more he melts, the stronger he gets!"  In scientific terms, Dr. Ted means that Melting Man's strength is inversely proportional to his weight.  Lose weight - get stronger.  Looks like all those anorexics and bulimics are on to something!

It's not that Melting Man is averse to eating.  In fact, he loves to hunt and kill his own food.  It's just that his food consists of people, mostly.  He doesn't eat a lot, but he knows what he likes - old people, fishermen, nurses, old neighbors, kids, pretty much anyone who's not melting will do.



My name's Steve & I like long walks on the
beach, star-gazing, and murder.

 When Steve the Melting Man is out terrorizing the countryside, he comes across an empty house.  Who lives there?  If you said Academy award-winning director Jonathan Demme and the girl who played Ruby in the original Hills Have Eyes movie, you'd be one of the 15 people who'd seen this movie before!  Cheater.  If you've seen The Hills Have Eyes, then you can also guess who gives Melty Steve a taste of his own medicine!

It's off to the power plant for ol' Steve, because that's just what monsters do.  By this point, he's pretty melted, so he's super-strong because of that scientific formula I mentioned earlier.  You'd think that the cops would realize that he's MELTING, so after he MELTS, he's not gonna be a problem anymore, but no!  You know cops.  They can't leave a murdering fugitive alone to drown in his own juices - they've gotta take him in.  Probably for questioning.  Fingerprints are out of the question.

Is it too much to say that things end badly for all concerned?  Steve, Dr, Ted, Dr, Ted's wife, the Chief of Police, anyone who watches this - they all just sorta wished they'd stayed home and watched That's Incredible! instead.  That Fran Tarkenton sure could play football.

Lord of the Flies 1963 Peter Brook

Hey, I've got an idea!  Let's crash a planeload of British schoolboys on a deserted island and watch them devolve into brutish savages!  Awesome!  Wait - I know how to make it even better!  How?  Let's make a movie of it!  Totally!  Who likes books anyway?  Stupid readers! Pictures are better!

Well, this is the original movie.  It was made with nonprofessional actor kids in Puerto Rico.  Unsurprisingly, only one of the kids went on to have a real career as an actor, and it was the kid who plays Ralph, the last bastion of British society.  Everybody else seems to have gone the way of poor Piggy - struck in the head by the cold, hard reality of being a child actor - nobody wants you when you're not cute anymore.

Actually, the other thing I was thinking about while I watched this was how much this story has entered into our everyday consciousness.  Deep, huh?  If you think about it, even Harry Potter is a version of Lord of the Flies.  Look at Harry, dark haired, sensible, kind, civilized like Ralph.  Look at Draco Malfoy.  He's blond, aggressive, and prone to fascistic evil like Jack.  Ron Weasely starts out life as a character like Piggy.  Think about it.  You know I'm right.

The movie looks a lot like Michael Apted's Up series, but in the jungle.  You could replace some of the members of that movie series in here, too.  Look - it's Neil as Simon!  Since everyone knows the story, there's lots of fun games that can be played while watching this movie.

It really is a good movie.  Probably the best movie version of the story we'll ever have.  If you're not tired of the story by now, you should definitely give this version a watch.

The American 2010 Anton Corbijn

I really liked Hanna.  Then I saw this movie.  This is the grown up version of Hanna.  It makes Hanna look like a smart comic book movie.  A smart movie, but still a comic book movie.  The American is a movie for adults, and Hanna is for kids in high school AP classes.

George Clooney is the guy who supplies weapons to assassins.  Sometimes he might assassinate people, too.  At the beginning of the movie, he's in Dalarna, Sweden.  Then some assassins show up and he has to leave.  Before you can say "Get your ass to Mars", he gets his ass to Italy.  There he builds a rifle for a future assassination, meets a gorgeous prostitute, and hides out from the bad guys after him.  His weakness is beautiful women.  Will it be his undoing?  Hmmmm.

If you've seen any of Jean-Pierre Melville's gangster movies from the '60's, you'll definitely see what they were going for in this film.  There's lots of walks down deserted streets and shots of driving in the countryside, waiting for something to happen.  There's not a ton of action in this movie - like I said, it's not a comic book movie.  I can see why it wasn't a big hit.  People have been trained to expect an explosion every few minutes, not a few minutes of conversation.  No one watches scenes of a craftsman practicing his craft.  It's a shame, because the scenes of Clooney building the rifle, making the suppressor, and the explosive bullets are fascinating.

Every single shot in this movie is beautiful.  Every set is immaculate.  Every film reference is cleverly done.  Why didn't people flock to this movie?  Have people really become that simple?  That's a shame.  This movie is fantastic and deserves to be seen by everyone.

Yes Man 2008 Peyton Reed

I had gotten really tired of Jim Carrey and his whole Jim Carrey-ness.  As a result, I hadn't seen a Jim Carrey movie in  a very long time.  Then I watched I Love You, Phillip Morris.  That movie was fantastic enough to make me go back and see what I've been missing.  Not to the extreme of The Number 23, but at least to give this movie a chance.

Jim Carrey plays a man who says "no" all the time.  His friends are starting to hate him and he's getting lonely.  Then he goes to a self help seminar and learns to say "yes" to everything.  He does and hijinks ensue.   It's a pretty funny movie, and I feel a little bad about waiting so long to see OOOHHH MY GOD!!!! ZOOEY DESCHANEL IS IN THIS!  WHY????  DOES SHE HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?  WHY?  WHY DOES SHIE SING IN EVERYTHING?  WHY DOES HER VOICE SOUND LIKE A GOOSE HONKING?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

Actually, she's not that bad or annoying in this.  Everyone seems subdued next to Jim Carrey.  It's a completely average time waster.  If you grew up on '80's comedies like I did, the last bit will remind you of films like Liscense to Drive & Like Father, Like Son, but in a good way.  But Zooey Deschanel does sing - which sucks - but then so does everyone else in this movie, so her crappy voice is diluted.  Other than that, it's pretty entertaining.

Mr. Vampire 1985 Ricky Lau

Hey look!  It's classic character alert!  Say hello to the unibrowed Taoist priest.  He fights hopping vampires with the help of his two disciples.  That's right.  Hopping vampires.  They hop because they have rigor mortis.  They also have their own style of kung fu, with a pretty intense kung fu grip.  If they bite you, you're done for.  If they stab you with their long vampire nails, you're done for.  Unless you have a large supply of uncooked sticky rice to stand on.  That clears up a bad case of vampirirsm.

There's also a soul sucking ghost on the loose looking for a victim.  She finds the unibrowed priest's disciple, and proceeds to feast on him night after night, a full two years before the Chinese Ghost Story films.  It's up to the unibrowed priest to save his disciple, banish the ghost, fight the vampires, and be all around awesome.  There's lots of speeded up fights, wirework, and cheap latex special effects.  It's pretty awesome.  Pretty much the only thing that's questionable about this movie is the instances of animal sacrifice.  I can't say for sure that they didn't kill them - it's not Cannibal Holocaust, but it was a little surprising   I wouldn't say that you shouldn't watch this movie because of 5 seconds of film, just be aware and close your eyes if it bothers you.  Otherwise, this movie is extremely entertaining - even if you're not a kung fu fan or a foreign movie fan, you should check it out.

The Warrior (aka Jaka Sembung) 1981 Sisworo Gautama Putra

All hail the Indonesian Schwarzenegger!  Barry Prima is back and he's fighting mad in The Warrior!  This movie is based on a 1960's Indonesian comic strip "Jaka Sembung".  Barry plays Jaka Sembung and what he wants more than anything is to rid his country of the Dutch colonists.  Too bad all the Dutch want is to rid their new lands of Jaka Sembung.  Oooohhhh - there's gonna be a fight!

And there is one, too.  There's lots of them, in fact.  This being an Indonesian movie, there's also plenty of sorcerers and mystics doing battle as well.  The Dutch have hired two of the toughest mystics to take on Jaka and all the natives.  They've even hired a man who can break a bull's neck with his bare hands!  Poor Jaka is only helped out by his Islamic beliefs and a kindly old sorcerer who helps out when things get really bad.

They get so bad for Jaka that the middle section of the film should be called "The Passion of Barry Prima".  He's getting it from all sides - and not in a good way.  He's captured, beaten, whipped, crucified, and blinded - all because he fights for freedom!  Damn you, Dutch Imperialists! It's a good thing he's super manly!

Would you guess this man had just been crucified?
I told you he's tough!

It's also a good thing that kindly, old sorcerer is around since Jaka needs all the help he can get. The main sorcerer bad guy type can disengage his limbs, including his head, and use them all independently in his fights with Jaka.  When's Jaka gonna catch a break?  Maybe he's so badass, he doesn't need to!  Well, except for his sorcerer buddy - that guy helps.

It all builds up to a big raid on the Dutch fortress and a final fight with the evil head sorcerer.  Will Jaka and the villagers prevail?  Watch and find out! (....there's a ton of sequels to this movie, so, yeah, they pretty much prevail - but watch it anyway, it's totally fun....)

This DVD from Mondo Macabro is loaded.  You get an interview with the writer, an interview with the head of Rapi Films (the studio that produced this movie), Barry Prima bio, the trailer, more trailers, the Mondo Macabro trailer (Love the music!) and some other good stuff.  If you liked The Demon Sword or 80's Hong Kong movies, you should definitely check this out.

And Soon the Darkness 2010 Marcos Efron

Sometimes I watch these Direct to Video movies because I get tricked by the cover.  I saw that and I thought " I know it's DTV, but it doesn't look too bad.  That girl was in Cloverfield.  I loved Cloverfield!  Look, there's that Amber Heard girl.  She did All the Boys Love Mandy Lane.  And Karl Urban = he's not so bad...How bad could it be?"  Well, it's not Syfy channel terrible, so there's that....

Amber Heard and Odette Yustman are on a bicycle trip through Argentina.  Amber Heard is the more responsible one.  Odette Yustman has made her passport into an "assport" with a cleverly placed sticker.  Who's in more danger of being taken?  Amber Heard is more polite.  Odette Yustman is whiny.  At the bar, Amber Heard is shy, while Odette Yustman sings the Divynls hit "I Touch Myself" for the locals - and Karl Urban who happens to be there.  Then.....

SHE GETS TAKEN!

Let this be a lesson, dumb Americans.  Don't be a dumb American.  You're not nearly as cute, funny, or interesting as your bestie says you are.  Sometimes you're completely annoying.  You are in someone else's country, and you are annoying the ENTIRE country with your braying stupidity.  Guess what happens next?  You get took.

Which leaves your bff having to hunt the countryside for you with strange Karl Urban, and he might be BAD!  You are not a good friend, dumb American.  Now you've pissed off the only person in the entire country who is looking for you.  That's selfish.  And if you thought for a second how all the people at home on their couches would feel when they watch your friend going from one badly set up "suspense" moment to another, you might think twice about being the center of attention.  Because through your dumb Americanness, you have managed to alienate everyone in Argentina and America.  No one cares if you're found.  Not me, not my girlfriend, not Amber Heard, or even sketchy Karl Urban.  It's a good thing your bicycle adventure was shot extremely well, because if it had looked like a regular DTV movie, I might have just turned it off right away....or at least after all the bikini parts....but you get what I'm saying.

It's a good looking, dumb movie about good looking, dumb Americans getting what they deserve from native Spanish speaking people.  I don't feel bad for them and neither should you.  When will I learn that DTV movies aren't that good?  Oh well, maybe next time....

When Time Ran Out... 1980 James Goldstone

Here it is - the last disaster movie of the 70's.  It's fitting that it stars a great big volcano, since after this one, disaster movies were dormant for a good long time.  There's a brand new hotel in Hawaii, just outside an active volcano.  James Franciscus, sans beard, is the geologist in charge of making sure the volcano doesn't blow everything up.  He's married to William Holden's daughter, and William Holden and Paul Newman are the hotel investors.  They can make him rich, so he lies about the danger.  Plus, Barbara Carrera works there, and if they shut down the hotel, then James Franciscus won't be able to continue his illicit relationship with her.  He'd rather jeopardize the saftey of hundreds of people than give up his action on the side.  He's the bad guy.

In addition to those stars of the 70's, this film also has Jacqueline Bisset, who's two-timing William Holden with Paul Newman, Ernest Borgnine as a cop, Red Buttons as his prey, Edward Albert as one of the help, Burgess Meredith as an old-time vaudeville/circus performer, Pat Morita as a bar owner who organizes cockfights, and a post-football pre-Webster Alex Karras as Paul Newman's bodyguard.  It's all set up pretty well, it's just that when the volcano does go, it looks more like a volcano you'd have made on your kitchen table for 7th grade science tha a real volcano.  It does explode with about an hour left, which is nice, because then you can start to play the "Who's gonna die?" guessing game pretty early.

Every time I watch one of these movies, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling.  I know all of the cliches, I know who's gonna die, I even know the theme songs in some occasions, so when I get the chance to see a new one, like this or The Hindenburg, it's a good day.  I'm a little sad that I don't have any of the old ones left to discover, but if my last classic disaster movie has improvised high wire walking on a destroyed bridge to save the last few stragglers, then so be it.  That roman candle volcano in the back is a celebration of this genre.  It's a pretty fitting way to go out, after all.

The Guardian 1990 William Friedkin

Maybe a druid snatched your baby!  Let me explain.  There's this druid lady going around and posing as a nanny so she can snatch up babies and feed them to this big tree in the woods.  No shit.  It's also very poorly written, directed, edited, and acted.  Why hadn't I seen this before?  It's amazing.

I'd been meaning to watch this for years, but I kept getting distracted by other things.  Thank god for Netflix Instant or I'd probably never have seen this masterpiece of awfulness.  It is entertaining, though.  You just have to remind yourself that it contains a completely batshit crazy ending.  Because it does.  Does it ever...

If you've seen Lair of the White Worm, then you'll recognize the role of the druid nanny.  It's played by Jenny Seagrove, since Amanda Donohoe must have been busy.  Dwier Brown ( Kevin Costner's dad in Field of Dreams) plays the baby daddy, all the while looking and acting exactly like Eric Bana and Carey Lowell (Mrs. Richard Gere) plays the mother.  She looks exactly like Michelle Meyrink in Real Genius (Jordan, the hyper "Are you peeing?"girl).  The whole movie looks like it was shot by the Miami Vice TV crew.  The special effects are of the latex and fake blood variety, which is nice.  I kind of miss those effects these days.

If you're a fan of bad movies, you should watch this.  If you're a fan of fake blood and latex effects, you should watch this.  If you're a fan of spectacularly crazy, over the top endings, you should watch this.  Just be patient.  It's all worth it.

Your Highness 2011 David Gordon Green

Okay, so I really liked The Foot Fist Way.  I really like Eastbound and Down.  I absolutely loved Pineapple Express and Observe and Report.  Maybe that's why this movie was a disappointment.  My expectations must have been too high.  I even grew up in the middle of the '80's sword and sorcery boom they're making fun of.  I get the jokes.  Why isn't it that funny?

Maybe it's Zooey Deschanel.  That's probably it.  I seem to have an allergic reaction to her whenever she's in a movie.  And good god, if she sings in a movie in her honking goose voice like (500) Days of Summer, then my whole world goes red with rage and I want to destroy everything to just MAKE IT STOP!  But then I thought "Well, she's the damsel in distress.  She won't have a lot to do.  She'll be harmless...."  I was wrong!  She sings! Why does she have to ruin everything?  I get it, Zooey Deschanel.  You're an indie-pop singer/actress multi-talented-super-hyphenate.  You have that inde-pop band She & Him (oooh, clever grammar!) with that other indie-pop guy, and so who wouldn't want to hear your indie-popness?

I'll tell you....

NO ONE wants to hear your indie-popness in their swords n' sorcery stoner comedy.  Thank you, James Franco, for being as impressed with Zooey Deschanel's "talent" in this movie as you were with Anne Hathaway's "talent" at the Oscars, and treating her musical interlude with as much respect as it deserved.

She's actually not in the movie much, that Zooey Deschanel, so why doesn't it work when she's not ruining it?  Maybe because sword and sorcery movies were already lame laughfests by themselves.  If you don't beleive me, just go watch Jack Hill's Sorceress.  It's a good try by everyone in this movie, and there are a couple of funny parts - even a few that aren't in the trailer! - but it's just not that good of a movie.  Way to ruin it for everyone, Zooey Deschanel.

The Hindenburg 1975 Robert Wise

I love disaster movies.  I never even knew this movie existed, so I was quite happy when it showed up on Netflix Instant.  A disaster movie based on an actual disaster?  Yes, please!  But then I watched it....

George C. Scott stars as Ritter, a Nazi pilot.  He's been singled out by Goebbels to ride along on the Hindenburg as a security officer.  There's a letter stating that the Hindenburg will be bombed and Ritter has to find and stop the fiendish plot.  That's right - this movie's about a Nazi officer foiling a mad bomber.   He's not a real staunch supporter of Hitler and his crew though, so that makes him a loveable good guy.  He's a kinder, gentler Nazi who's out to save lives.  Root for the Nazi!

While we're all rooting for the Nazi, the other stock characters board the ship.  Look - there's Anne Bancroft!  And Burgess Meredith!  And that guy from Benson!  Plus assorted little kids and a dog.  All on the Hindenburg....all doomed to die.

But wait!  Not everybody died on the Hindenburg!  No, really!  So will the good hearted Nazi find the bomb and save everyone?  Was there really a bomb or was it just pilot error?  Does it matter?  When's the disaster in this disaster movie gonna happen?  Not for a while, because the Hindenburg is pretty slow.  While we wait let's admire the wonderful set design of the interior of the death blimp.  It looks pretty fantastic - very 2001 - and those are actually the best parts of the movie.

It's not exactly giving anything away to say that the Hindenburg goes down in flames.  I did like how they worked in some newsreel footage of the actual crash, and I also liked how the film went from color to black and white to allow for this.  What I didn't like was that the entire movie is 2 hours of set up for 5 minutes of destruction, but it's based on a real event, so what can you do?  Well, if you're in the mood for a disaster movie, you could watch The Poseidon Adventure instead.  If you're in the mood for an old timey star studded event movie full of people who went on to be "special guest stars", this is the movie for you.

Priest 2011 Scott Stewart

Let me ask you something.  Do you like westerns?  What about The Searchers?  I know that when I sit around thinking about The Searchers, my thoughts definitely turn to things like "What would make that movie better?"  Invariably, I come to the conclusion that vampires would definitely make it better.  Everybody's used to Scar and the Indians by now.  Vampires, that's where it's at.  But not soulful, snappy dresser vampires.  I'm thinking more along the lines of eyeless, Descent style monsters that scrabble around and rip your throat out.

And cowboys as heroes?  Tired.  How about it all takes place in a 1984 style future where the Church runs everything, including training people to be Church Warrior Priests to hunt down the Indians...I mean vampires.  But it's only 1984 in the city.  Once you get outside into the Forbidden Zone, it becomes the Old West.  With vampires.  And kung fu Warrior Priests.

Like The Searchers, the vampires attack a homestead, kill the people, steal the niece of the badass priest, and he vows revenge.  Her boyfriend sheriff type tags along, of course, and they go hunting.  Paul Bettany, the Priest, even says that he'll kill his niece if she's "infected".

It was at this point that I started to wonder just how slavish this movie would be towards The Searchers.  Thankfully, not much more.  Karl Urban shows up as a human/vampire mix - an Old West Wesley Snipes - and proceeds to steal the movie right out from under everyone else.  The showdown on the train between the Priest and Black Hat (imaginative!) is pretty fun, as long as you can overlook all the stealing from better movies.

This movie is fine, in it's own way.  It's completely derivative.  It's mindless and fun.  You'll forget you saw it within a few days, but you'll remember having some stupid fun.  And for a summer movie, that's about all you can ask.  Well, that and air conditioning.

Requiescant (aka Kill and Pray) 1967 Carlo Lizzani

If you're like me, the title of this movie is just a big question mark.  What does it mean?  How do you pronounce it?  What's going on?  It's Latin.  It comes from the phrase "Requiescat in pace", better known as "Rest in Peace".  Make sense now?  The main character's name is a version of "Rest in Peace"!  Awesome!  Bad guys everywhere look out!

Requiescant (Lou Castel, Fists in the Pocket) is the only survivor of the Mexican people who lived around San Antonio/  When he was a small child, they all met at a fort outside of town to celebrate peace between the Mexicans and Americans.  So what do the Americans, led by former Confederate soldier William Bellows Ferguson (Mark Damon, Johnny Oro), do?  They turn a machine gun on the Mexicans and kill them all, except little Requiescant.

He's saved by a traveling preacher and his family, and raised as their son.  One day their daughter Princy runs away to see the world and Requiescant heads off to find her.  This brings him into conflict with the evil Ferguson and his gang, and the surrounding Mexicans just looking for someone to help them get San Antonio back.

This movie has everything - gunfights, lynchings, hookers with a heart of gold, and an underdog hero who just happens to be a crack shot, and the great Italian director Pier Paolo Pasolini (Salo).  He plays Reverend Juan and his whole life is dedicated to eradicating Ferguson and retaking San Antonio for the Mexicans.

It also has a lot of quirky touches, too.  Requiescant rides his horse backwards sometimes and he spurs him on with a cast iron frying pan instead of a whip.  Ferguson likes to refer to himself in the third person when he berates his servants and friends.  He's also quite the fancy dresser.  Check out his pancake makeup and Dracula cape that he wears for the final showdown.  He's one of the great Spaghetti Western villians.  It's also interesting that he happens to look like Christopher McDonald, Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore.  So if you're not a huge fan of Italian Westers, you could always quote lines from that movie or take a shot whenever he refers to himself in the third person.  You'll be loaded 15 minutes in.

Otherwise, if you do like Spaghettis, you should definitely check this out.  It's on a double feature DVD from Wild East.  It comes with the movie Dead Men Don't Count, also starring Mark Damon, along with trailers, photo galleries, and an interview with Mark Damon himself, discussing these films.

Dead Men Don't Count (aka Cry for Revenge) 1968 Rafael Romero Marchent

Most Spaghetti Westerns seem to be about one man, alone, taking on entire towns full of thugs in order to set something right (i.e. Django, Fistful of Dollars, The Great Silence). It's not often that there are two like-minded gunfighters who join forces to rid a town of it's evildoers.  If there are two protagonists, one usually antagonizes the other protagonizer (see For A Few Dollars More, The Mercenary).  It's rare to have an Italian western that's actually a buddy picture, but that's the case here.

Anthony Steffen and Mark Damon play bounty hunting brothers Fred and Johnny Dalton.  They like to roam from town to town with their handfuls of wanted posters, killing bad guys and collecting their meager bounties.  When they come across the town of Blackstone, Arizona, they run afoul of the sheriff Bob Watson.  He gives them a day to get out of town, the guys agree, but of course things come up and the town needs to be set right.

I wish that Anthony Steffen and Mark Damon were able to make more buddy pictures.  You can tell they're having a blast making this.  It's just a shame that this movie is so run of the mill.  There are a few nice moments, like the Dalton brothers approaching every situation with a statement like "..just like Abilene?" and then shooting up the never ending supply of bad guys.

There's also an interesting subplot concerning the town's leading citizen, Steve Rogers (Captain America, hah!) and his wife.  She gave up her son as a baby to be with the rich Rogers, and Johnny Dalton just might be her long lost son.

The tone of this movie is a little too jokey for me, but once I got used to it, I had fun.  These guys might not be Terence Hill and Bud Spencer, but they do okay.

The DVD is a double feature by Wild East, a company that specializes in limited editions of Spaghetti Westerns.  As such, this is probably the best this movie will ever look.  Extras include a photo gallery and an interview with Mark Damon, who became quite the movie producer after his stint in westerns ended.  The other movie included on this DVD is called Kill and Pray.  It also stars Mark Damon, this time as the bad guy, and it's defiinitely worth watching.

Hanna 2011 Joe Wright

I put off seeing this movie for a while.  I thought the trailer was fantastic, but I thought there was no way the movie could live up to it.  Besides, they give away the whole thing in the trailer, don't they?  Nope.  This movie is awesome.  I spent most of my time in the theater thrilled that I was watching a movie as uncompromising and balls out as this one.

This movie concerns a young girl named Hanna (Saoirse Ronan, Atonement) who lives with her father (Eric Bana, Hulk) near then North Pole.  She knows nothing of the outside world, except what her father taught her.  Plus, he's trained her to be a kick ass assassin (but not in the way that Nicholas Cage taught his annoying daughter in the excruciatingly stupid Kick Ass) so one day the can take down her family's big bad wolf, Marissa Wiegler (Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth).

One day, she decides she's ready.  Dad disappears with instructions to meet up in Germany.  The CIA comes busting in and snatches Hanna up.  This is where the fun starts.  It becomes one long chase, with Hanna desperately trying to meet her father in an abandoned amusement park dedicated to the Brothers Grimm.  Whoever found this place or designed it is amazing.  The whole movie, in fact, looks like one big fairy tale, with their house by the North Pole, the amusement park, the German club where Marissa recruits a scary German guy and his cohorts to hunt Hanna down - it's all fantastic.  There's even a nod to Jean-Jacques Beineix's film Diva worked into this movie.

I never would have expected this kind of movie from the same guy that directed Atonement and The Soloist, but maybe he was just as tired of directing sensitive period dramas and uplifing human stories as most people are of seeing them.  It was especially nice to see a movie that doesn't cheat it's ending or sugarcoat it for the audience.  It did seem, though, that this movie was edited down from it's original version in order to obtain a PG-13, but it doesn't matter.  It was kind of nice that not everything was spelled out.  So pay attention when you go see this and you'll have one of the best times at the movies this year.