The Devil's Sword 1984 Ratno Timoer

Let's say that you were a holy man meditating on a mountain top, when suddenly a meteor shot by overhead and landed not far from where you sat....What would you do?  You'd make a sword out of it so Barry Prima could go kick some ass, that's what!  Wait, who's Barry Prima, you ask?  Barry Prima is the number one Indonesian action film star of the 1980's!  How do you not know that?  It's a good thing I'm writing this, so you won't seem so ignorant at bar trivia next time.  You're welcome.

In this movie, that guy over there plays a warrior named Mandala.  Mandala comes upon a village that is being terrorized by the Invisible Crocodile Queen who lives in the nearby lake.  It seems that his fellow warrior pupil from long ago, Banyujaga, is working for the Crocodile Queen and gathering men to satisfy her insatiable lust.  The guy he's after just got married, but the Queen wants him anyway.  This leads to a huge fight in the village that Mandala helps out with.

Banyujaga gets what he came for, and Mandala realizes he must put a stop to the Invisible Crocodile Queen once and for all.  This leads to lots of bad special effects and speeded up kung fu fights.  Just when it's becoming unbearable, the flying guillotine makes an appearace.  You know the flying guillotine - it's the hat shaped object on a chain that has blades on the inside.  You throw it on to someone's head, pull back on the chain, and Bingo!  Off with his or her head.  Every movie it's in is a better movie for it.

While the Crocodile Queen is busy having her orgies, Mandala and the jilted bride from earlier fight through hordes of cheaply costumed Crocodile Men, head to the Batcave (I'm not kidding) and retrieve the Devil Sword.  Will Mandala be able to withstand the Crocodile Queen's lust spell?  Why does everything in her lair look like a bad Prince video?  Why is the sword called the Devil's Sword?  You'll just have to fast forward to the end to find out!

The DVD comes with trailers and essays on the film, plus the most uncomfrotable on camera interview I've ever seen/  It's a sit-down at a cafe with Barry Prima and he's either strung out on something or agoraphobic.  It's fascinating and painful at the same time.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night 2011 Kevin Munroe

Every once in a while a movie comes along that is universally hated and/or dismissed automatically.  It shows up in a few theaters and then disappears quickly and quietly.  I try to make a point of seeing those movies, maybe just to see where all the hatred is coming from or to figure out why the movie was made in the first place.  Does this mean that I saw Jonah Hex?  Yep.  Battlefield Earth?  Right again.  The Country Bears?  How could I not see The Country Bears?  People in animatronic bear suits trying to stop evil banker Christopher Walken from forclosing on their music hall?  Sign me up!

Which brings me to Dylan Dog.  It's based on an Italian comic book, apparently.  I didn't know that when I saw it, but everything these days is based on a comic book from somewhere that somebody loves, which leads to all the hatred because it's not exactly how they pictured it would be.  Since I didn't know the history of the character, it just reminded me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Not that smarmy, snarky TV show either - I'm talking about the original movie here.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's the setup.  Dylan Dog (Why "Dog", Italy?  That makes no sense as a last name.  Unless it's Dylan Dog the Bounty Hunter!  Now there's a movie idea!) is a private eye who is a sort of policeman for the monsters who live in New Orleans.  There's vampires, werewolves, zombies and such all living there, because, c'mon, it's New Orleans.  He's retired, but he gets pulled back in like Al Pacino in Godfather III due to a case of a werewolf killing a human.  If he's not careful, it could lead to a war between werewolves and vampires, plus there's an artifact that's been missing for hundreds of years that, if found, could bring back the demon Belial.  Belial would kill all the monsters - even the zombies, who are generally nice and quiet and keep to themselves.  Oh, and there are rumors of a monster slaying human on the loose as well.

Phew, that's a big story.  But not a big budget, alas.  So instead of a special effects free for all, a lot of time is spent on Dylan's assistant, Marcus.  Marcus is like the Shia LeBeouf character in Constantine, except when he dies he doesn't stay dead, he just gets more annoying.  Why is this type of character popular?  Who identifies with a screechy, loose limbed, knock kneed, snarky little boy-man?  Who thinks they're funny?  And who ever thought that one character saying "No", over and over until the edit shows them doing what they said "No", to in the first place is funny?  It's not, and the character's not, but they're both here in this movie, which is sort of a drag.

There are some clever bits concerning zombies in this movie (support groups, body shops) and when they could afford it, the effects are as well done as possible.  Just please, don't cast a pro wrestler as a character with actual lines (Kurt Angle - no thanks), and I know it's a detective story, but not all detective stories need voiceovers.

Even with all those complaints, it's still an ok time waster.  Brandon Routh doesn't have his vegan powers anymore, but he does as well as he can with the straight man part.  Peter Stormare chews up the scenery as head of a werewolf clan of meatpackers, and Taye Diggs (Seriously, what did Taye Diggs do?  He's awesome!  Put him in better movies!) is pretty awesome as  the head vampire.  It's not as bad as people say, and it is sort of a spiritual successor to the Buffy movie, so if you liked that, you should check it out.

13 Assassins 2010 Takashi Miike

Look at that poster.  The movie's called 13 Assassins, but for some reason you only get to see one of them on the poster.  To be fair, he is the star of the movie and the head of the 13 assassins, but still... whatever, that  poster is awesome.

So is this movie.  It's a remake of an old samurai film from 1963, also called 13 Assassins.  You don't need to know that to enjoy this movie, though.  If you've seen Seven Samurai, you'll be fine with this movie.  If you haven't seen Seven Samurai, shame on you.  How could you call yourself a movie fan or a well rounded individual, or even a good person if you've spent all this time on Earth and not had 3 and 1/2 hours to spend watching one of the all time great films?  Really, how could you?  Go watch it now. Be a better person.

In this movie, the Shogun's brother is a murdering psychopath. He's also about to make his yearly pilgrimage from the capital of Edo to his home prefecture.  One of the Shogun's advisors hires a samurai played by Koji Yakusho (Babel) to put together a team of samurai (the plural is the same as the singular like moose or deer, grammar fanatics) to assassinate this guy on his way home.  A few of the assassins have very similar characteristics to the samurai in Seven Samurai, but so what?  They copied the best ones, so it was nice to see them again.

That's the setup, and the second half of the film is all about the battle.  No, really.  It goes on for almost an hour.  Which is fine.  The only problem I had with that was that some of the 13 assassins didn't become memorable, and they just sorta blended together.  In fact, there were parts of the final battle which reminded me quite a bit of Alien 3 ( Door 7! Closed!!).  All that is really minor, since it just gives me a reason to watch the film again and again.

Probably the main reason I liked the film so much is that it's a return to the old chanbara samurai films.  The samurai films of the last 5 or 6 years were all very slow and arty, full of feelings and deep thoughts, but not much swordfighting.  I was getting pretty tired of movies about a lowly samurai who discovers his true strength through the love of a good (reformed prostitute) woman - Hello, Twilight Samurai!  In this one, they get hired to go kick some ass, and they go kick some ass.  That's their job.  If they have to cut someone's head off, they do it.  If they have to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, they do it.  No discussion needed.  But this movie is far from mindless - it's just a quality action film.  With swords.  And explosions.  Oh, and a really interesting reference to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus.  Seriously, how much more of a recommendation do you need?  This movie kicks ass!  See it now!

The Mercenary 1968 Sergio Corbucci

Welcome to Volume 2 of "Why the Hell Isn't This On DVD?"  Actually, this film is on DVD, but only in Germany.  Kind of like David Hasselhoff.  I don't even know what that means.  Anyway, this movie was directed by the great Sergio Corbucci.  Never heard of him?  Only know of Sergio Leone?  That's a shame, because some of Corbucci's films are just as good as Sergio Leone's Dollars trilogy or Once Upon a Time in the West. 

This movie, unfortunately, isn't one of them.  It's fine...it's just not great like Corbucci's Django or The Great Silence.  Those two movies deserve a place in the Spaghetti Western Hall of Fame.  The Mercenary - not so much.

The story concerns one Sergei Kowalski (Franco Nero, Django himself), a Polish mercenary in Mexico looking for some money.  By chance, he crosses paths with Paco Ramon (Tony Musante from The Bird With the Crystal Plumage), a poor Mexican laborer who led an uprising at his mining job, and is now seen as some sort of revolutionary general.  Kowalski only helps out people for money, so Ramon pays him to help with the new "revolution".  This involves robbing banks and government trains, naturally.  They hear about a large amount of silver and plan to steal that too.  This causes them to run afoul of Curly (Jack Palance - how do you not know who he is?), a curly-haired American dandy with a switchblade and a penchant for close male relationships.  Curly is the top local bad guy, and he doesn't like Kowalski and his clear blue eyes very much, oh no he doesn't!!!

This movie seems to be more like a dry run for Corbucci's later Companeros, where Nero is Swedish instead of Polish, Tomas Milian replaces Tony Musante, and Jack Palance loses his boutonniere and an eye, but gains long har and a badass hawk.  The story's basically the same and even some of the scenes are the same.  The Mercenary is just a little clumsier in it's storytelling than the later film.

If you're a fan of Quentin Tarantino and the Kill Bill films, you'll definitely notice the scene where Franco Nero has a list like Uma Thurman's in those movies, plus you'll probably recognize the two seperate music cues Tarantino took from this film.  One is used in the sequence where the Bride is buried in the desert and finds her way to town, and the other is used in Inglorious Basterds, but I'm not sure where since I've only seen that film once.

If you're a fan of Spaghetti Westerns, you should definitely check this movie out.  And if you like this one, do whatever it takes to see The Great Silence.  You'll be glad you did.

The Next Three Days 2010 Paul Haggis

First off, let me say that this movie is officially 2 hours and 2 minutes long.  It is the longest 2 hours and 2 minutes ever in the history of recorded media.  Look at Russell Crowe in that poster.  He's falling asleep!  And the poster looks busy!  That means the film will be busy as well, right? Action packed?  But it's not!  The poster is lying to you!  There is absolutely nothing busy, or exciting, or good about this film.  At all.

Might as well get the story out of the way....Elizabeth Banks is arrested for the murder of her boss.  Russell Crowe spends the next infinity and beyond trying to think up a way to bust her out of jail.  That's pretty much it.  Poor Liam Neeson plays a character who shows Russell Crowe how to go about busting his wife out of jail, and he shows up looking like he just got out of a casting session for Guard This!  The Curtis Sliwa Story.  Check it out - he looks embarrased to be there.....

It's just sad

I remember going to see the movie Inventing the Abbots.  It' was so dreadfully boring that I ended up admiring the ceiling of the theater, how the seats were laid out, where the exits were, you know, just in case.  This movie was just as boring, if not more, because this time I was at my house and I was admiring the furniture and the walls - anything to keep from watching this piece of crap.  I hate hate hate hate hate this movie.  God, it sucks.  Oh, and if you make it to the end (without fast forwarding) get ready to poke your eyes out when a character has his great epiphany, because you'll realize you just got suckered into wasting the longest two hours of your life.  And for what? 

Never again, Paul Haggis.  Never again.












Sugar Hill 1974 Paul Maslansky

Welcome to Why the Hell Isn't This On DVD? Volume 1.  Why the hell isn't this on DVD?  It's not just a run of the mill blaxploitation movie, it's a voodoo themed blaxploitation movie.  Scream, Blacula, Scream  and my personal favorite of this subgenre, The House on Skull Mountain are available - so why not this movie?  Even Blackenstein and Dr. Black & Mr. Hyde are on DVD!

Anyway, this movie concerns Diana "Sugar" Hill and her club owning boyfriend Langston.  Langston owns Club Haiti and Mr, Morgan, the unscrupulous bad guy wants it.  He sends his thugs to beat Langston up to give up the club.  Langston dies, and Sugar swears revenge.  She goes to visit Mama Maitresse, the old witch who lives in the swamps.  Mama Maitresse summons Baron Samedi and his zombie hordes and from that moment on, Mr. Morgan and his goons are doomed.

The most interesting thing about this movie is seeing the design of the character of Baron Samedi, the ghostly voodoo man played by the awesome Don Pedro Colley, and knowing deep down that someone at Disney was a big fan of this movie.  Don't believe me?  Check this out...


Zombie Controlling Demon of the Swamps

 Now compare him to this....


Adorable Disney Voodoo Man

 Kinda makes me want to watch The Princess and the Frog and I never thought I would say that.

Another fun thing about this movie is spotting a few people who went on to higher profile films and TV after this movie.  First up is Lieutenant Valentine.  He's Sugar's ex-boyfriend.  He's just an honest cop trying to solve the recent string of voodoo themed murders.  He's also the same actor who played "Ryan", a member of the paranormal research team called in to investigate the Freeling house in Poltergeist a few years later.  Since Sugar Hill is a blaxploitation movie, it should come as no surprise that "Ryan" in Poltergeist was the...um...black team member and not the guy who ripped his face off in the mirror.  What ever happened to that guy?  Oh well....

"After this I gotta put up with 8 years of Harry Anderson?
I'm gettin' a massage!"

The other guy who went on to fame, fortune, and a regular weekly paycheck was  Charles Thompson, better known as "Mac" on Night Court.  In Sugar Hill, he's Mr. Morgan's enforcer, Fabulous.  His interests include kicking ass and going to the massage parlor every Thursday night.


There's one other famous person involved with this movie, I guess.  That would be the director, Paul Maslansky.  This is his one and only movie.  So how is he famous?  He's the guy  that has produced all of the Police Academy movies, TV shows, cartoons, breakfast cereals, adult toys, etc.  So there's that.

I almost forgot to mention the zombie design.  It's great.  When you think of zombies, you've been trained to think of rotting, shambling shoot-em-in-the-head zombies.  But these are voodoo zombies.  They shamble,yeah, but you can't kill them/  They're not rotting either.  They're bodies of dead slaves that were buried in the surrounding swamps.  They have the shackles and everything.  They're covered in dust and cobwebs and they have what seem to be gold coins over their eyes.  Check it out...



Coolest Zombies Ever

If you're a fan of blaxploitation movies, you've probably already heard of this movie. If you're not, you should check this out anyway.  It's not available anywhere officially, so you could hunt down a crappy bootleg or check it out like I did on Netflix Instant Watch.  It's definitely worth your time.

I Spit On Your Grave 2010 Steven R. Monroe

Since it's become commonplace to remake all of the old '70's horror films, it was just a matter of time before someone decided to remake I Spit On Your Grave.  I don't have a problem with remakes as such, but if you're going to remake a movie, at least try to do something original since you're already being derivative in the first place.

No such luck.  The setup in this new one is pretty much the same.  Pretty girl goes to the middle of nowhere to work on her book, has a run-in with the local gas station attendants who decide they have to teach this upppity city mouse the error of her ways.  They have the same retarded friend who tags along and becomes part of the unfortunate goings on at her cabin.  Now for the "inspired" changes.  One of the friends, the fat one, likes to videotape things, so it just figures that he would like to videotape the brutalization of the city girl. Oh, and the chief of police joins in this time.  Shocking!  No one will save her!  Meh....

After the rape is over, the girl stumbles to a bridge and falls in the river below.  Since no body is found, life goes back to normal in Hillbillyville.  You just know that sooner or later the girl will show up to exact her revenge, it just takes forever.  A month or so later, there she is!  Dangly parts everywhere are put on alert!

In the original film, the girl's revenge was at least portrayed slightly realistically.  In the new one, said revenge is based strictly in the Saw universe of revenge.  She's had about a month, see, so she used that time to concoct diabolical plans concerning her attackers' orifices and lives.  Makes total sense.

So there you have it.  If you want to see this movie, you'll see it.  But honestly, the most shocking thing in it is the appearance of Tracey Walter,  who played Miller, the philosopher mechanic in Repo Man.  I thought he'd been dead for years, so when I saw him I was so happy  that I forgave this movie pretty much everything.  But it is pretty crappy.  It's true.

The DVD has a commentary with the director, a documentary about remaking the original movie, deleted scenes, and trailers.  I'd like to say I watched them, but I'd be lying.  I'd also like to say I was so disturbed by this movie that I couldn't watch them, but that's not true either.  I just couldn't be bothered.

Ip Man 2 2010 Wilson Yip

This is a sequel to one of the best kung fu movies of the last five years, the obviously titled Ip Man.  Ip Man was a real guy, the one who taught Bruce Lee, and spread the Wing Chun school of kung fu throughout the world.  If you don't know who he is, or if you've never seen the first movie, stop reading now and go watch it.  Don't watch it on Netflix Instant, though, because all they stream is the English dub version and it's godawful.  Keep Blockbuster in business for a few more weeks by renting Ip Man ASAP.

There, now that that's done we can continue with the new movie.  Everybody came back for this movie because the first one was so awesome.  In this one, Ip Man moves with his family to Hong Kong and tries to set up a new kung fu school there.  That's where he runs into Sammo Hung, who has a kung fu grip on the exsisting schools, and pretty much runs that area of town like some sort of Mafia Godfather.

Ip Man is very principled, so he won't submit to Sammo's rules.  This leads to fights between Wing Chun School and Sammo's Hung Gar School.  It's been pretty interesting in the last few years to see Sammo Hung change his image from jolly, fat guy who knows kickass kung fu to mean, badass fat guy who knows kickass kung fu.  He's also managed to look pretty suave in his old age, but I will always miss the jeri curl from Wheels on Meals.  I miss it so much we should all just look at it now....



The greatest Jeri Curl this side of Soul Glo

There it is.  Isn't it pretty?  Anyway, now it's gone and he's mad.  Will he allow Ip Man to have his own school?  Will he have a change of heart?  Are the English colonialists in this movie almost as bad as the Japanese army in the first one? 

Since it's Hong Kong in 1950, the English colonials are everywhere, treating the Chinese like second class citizens, and being just all around bad people.  A boxing match is organized to promote peace between the two peoples, which means we get to see a sort of kung fu Rocky.  I've never been a fan of kung fu vs boxing.  Even when I used to play Street Fighter, I always knew that Balrog would get his ass handed to him in real life.  The unstoppable boxer in this movie is named Twister, which is supposedly menacing, but he's British, so it's instantly not.  I mean, really, the first movie had Ip Man testing his Wing Chun against Japanese Karate, and this one has Wing Chun vs middleweight Boxing.  Depressing.

Even with all that, this is a really entertaining movie.  It was nice to see everyone from the first movie, especially Jin Shan Zhao, the bandit tough guy who had such a memorable fight with Donnie Yen in the first movie.  It was even more amazing to find out that the actor playing him, Siu-wong Fan, played Ricky in Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky!  If you haven't seen that one, strap on your barfbag and get ready for a splatterific kung fu good time!

The DVD comes with a few trailers and a making of, but not much else.  If you're a fan of the other movie like I am, you won't mind.  Why won't they make a part 3?

                   

Skyline 2010 The Brothers Strause

 

Ok, so what I said before about Alien 2: On Earth being a fun bad movie?  I take that back.  Skyline is the epitome of a fun bad movie.  Why would a movie hire a bunch of TV actors?  To spend all their money on the special effects!  This movie is awesomely bad because no one seemed to have the heart to tell said TV actors that that was the plan.  It seems that they just locked them in this apartment building for a week, knocked out all the "dramatic scenes", and then moved on to what this movie was all about: Special effects.

The movie was directed by two brothers who give themselves the douchey name "The Brothers Strause".  Their real names are actually Greg and Colin Strause, they worked in special effects for a long time, and they finally got their chance to direct a movie with Alien vs Predator 2: Requiem, or AVP2:R, if you're more acronymically inclined.  Or stupid.  That was a fun bad movie as well, but I remember thinking that calling yourselves "The Brothers Strause" seemed like a particularly pathetic reference to that other filmaking pair The Wachowski Brothers.

Oh, how right I was.  The aliens in this movie are EXACT copies of the mechanical contraptions that chased Keanu Reeves around when he was in the real world and not the Matrix.  But this time they're different, because they're aliens, not machines.  Totally different.  I'm fine with that simply because it leads to the finest Man vs Rubber Monster fight since Bela Lugosi tangled with the rubber octopus in Ed Wood's Bride of the Monster.  Seriously, you should watch the movie just for that alone.

And that's not even getting to the end, which is the greatest ending in bad movie history.  I know you're not supposed to laugh at movies like this - the world's being invaded by aliens, everyone's dying, holy shit, it's serious, but c'mon!  It's hilarious!  It's perfect stupid (and I do mean STUPID) fun with a capital F.

So if you're looking for a movie which manages to combine War of the Worlds, The Matrix, Alien Resurrection, Fiend Without a Face, King Kong, and the original Beauty and the Beast in only 94 minutes, then do yourself a favor and rent this glorious mess.  You'll be happy to know that Skyline 2 is apparently on track for next year as well.  After that ending, I can't wait.

The DVD for Skyline is pretty loaded.  You get deleted scenes, extended scenes, fx visualizations and a couple of commentaries, so if you wanna know how and why the filmmakers did what they did, you're all set.  Me, I'm just gonna keep watching that fight.  It's comedy gold.

Alien 2: On Earth 1980 Ciro Ippolito

This movie is something else.  An unofficial Italian sequel to the first Alien movie that was banned from America for legal reasons.  That doesn't make it good, just interesting.  Stock footage abounds, the lighting is terrible, the dubbing is terrible, the acting is terrible - it's pretty fun.  In this movie, the alien eggs are replaced by rocks found on the beach after the stock footage of the spacecraft ends.  The attempts at "story" revolve around a telepatic spelunker and her group of cave exploring friends.  I'm not sure even now how they end up at the beach and find the alien rock, but it doesn't matter.

Once they get into the cave, the lighting fails, the rock pulsates (Why would you bring a rock into a cave?  Aren't there enough rocks in the cave?) and people start dying.  All of the special effects shots are drawn out to ridiculous length, and the cavers are all interchangeable.  I was sort of reminded of that horrible movie Sanctum, but at least this one had monsters.  This is the prototypical fun bad movie that you put on with your friends, have some beers, and laugh at how horrible it is.

There are two new releases for this movie - Blu  Ray and DVD - by a new company called Midnight Legacy.  Both releases have the same special features, but I might be picking up the Blu Ray, since I can't quite believe it exists.  I will defiinitely be looking into whatever new movies Midnight Legacy puts out, that's for sure.

A Break From the Blogathon

Since I've fallen behind in my Shaw Brothers movie watching, I decided to take a break from them and write about some of the other movies I've seen lately.  Don't worry, the Shaw Marathon will continue soon.  Until then, have a look at these movies....

The Heroic Ones 1970 Chang Cheh

All hail the Iron Triangle!  For those that don't know, the Iron Triangle was the name given to Ti Lung, David Chiang, and Chang Cheh during their '70's heyday.  It was the Iron Triangle because there were 3 of them, and together they were unbeatable at the box office.  I've never really liked David Chiang, so to me he's always been the weakest side of the triangle.  Otherwise it's hard to root against Ti Lung and that malevolent Corky, Chang Cheh.  Here's a picture of him, in case you think I'm being mean....

See what I mean?  He made good movies, but that face gives me nightmares!  Anyway, on to The Heroic Ones.  At the start of the movie, the area's been taken over by a really bad guy, so another warlord hires this guy who calls himself King and has his own private army to remove the new threat.  The King has 13 generals with him, all his sons, and together they set out to take care of business.

The King has 2 favorite sons, played by Ti Lung and David Chiang, and some of the other brothers are getting a wee bit jealous of all the attention these two are getting.  With the help of the warlord who hired them (who doesn't like David Chiang either) there's double crosses, triple crosses, and backroom machinations aplenty.  Nobody seems overly heroic in The Heroic Ones, except for Ti Lung, who's always heroic.  Everybody else is kind of a jerk.  The warlord even pulls a prom night classic by getting some enemies drunk and then taking advantage of the situation.  Classy.  And really, do you have to burn down your entire fortress just to get at the two enemies you want to kill?  Apparently, you do.  For all you David Chiang haters out there, this is the most violent, unheroic end to one of his characters ever.  It's really great.

Lots of swordfights, hundreds of extras in huge battlefield skirmishes, ferocious battles to the death on the Bridge of Peace, countless day for night scenes, and trampolines everywhere makes The Heroic Ones worth a watch.  Just be patient and understanding with the horrible subtitles on the DVD and you'll have a good time.

Brothers Five 1970 Lo Wei

What would you do if one day you found out that you had 4 other brothers and you were all seperated at birth so you wouldn't be killed by the evil kung fu master who killed your father and took over your home?  Well?  Would you believe the lovely Chang Pei Pei if she told you that story?  Would you need proof?  What if your dead father had taken all five of your little kid sized hands together and slashed them with his sword?  Not to hurt you, of course, but to provide proof that you were all related?  And what if every time you put your hands together the single greatest kung fu music sting played?  Every time?  What would you do? 

You would probably go kick some ass, that's what.

This movie is loaded with kung fu sword action.  Constantly.  Every time Cheng Pei Pei brings a brother or two together, they put their fists together, check the scars, and go to the evil Flying Dragon Villa to kick some ass.  There's no waiting around for their other brothers.  Whoever's there at the time is gonna get it done.

But they never do.  Why?  Because they are only unbeatable when all five of them are together!  Duh!  And only Chang Pei Pei has a kung fu manual with the instructions on how to perform the 5 Tigers With One Heart Invincible Manuever.  Which makes them unbeatable.  Duh.

The 5 brothers are Blacksmith Kuo, Scholar Kuo, Security Chief Kuo, Valet Kuo, and Chivalrous Thief Kuo.  Cheng Pei Pei is Miss Yen, and she serves as teacher/den mother to this newly formed kung fu frathouse.  Every brother has a different weapon, with Blacksmith Kuo and Valet Kuo's being the most fun to watch in action.  Blacksmith has a big iron hammer and Valet has a circular metal hat that he flings around knocking the black clad bad guys every which way.

The final fight must be seen to be believed, both for it's length and the amount of blood spilled around Flying Dragon Villa.  And if you're a fan of Chinese acrobatics, the 5 Tigers With One Heart Invincible Manuever is pretty spectacular in it's own way.

It's a good thing the movie's so good, because the only extra you get on the DVD is the old trailer from 1970.  But don't watch it!  It actually contains the very end of the movie.  Other than that, you should definitely check this movie out.

Return of the One Armed Swordsman 1969 Chang Cheh

When we last saw Fang Gang, he had defended his master's honor and defeated the Long Armed Devil.  He walked off with his true love Hsaio Man and began a career as a one armed farmer.  At the beginning of this sequel, he is still one armed farming with Hsaio Man and there is still tons of drama in the martail arts world he left behind.  Apparently, a group of bandits have joined together and appointed themselves the 8 Sword Kings.  They've sent out invitations to all the martial arts guys to have a contest and see who is the strongest in the land.  Fang Gang is too busy one armed farming to attend.

It's a good thing, too, as the 8 Sword Kings kidnap all the martial arts masters and send word to all their disciples that they have a week to cut off their arms and come back to the Sword King Fortress or else.  The young disciples decide that they should hire Fang Gang to kill the Sword Kings, thereby saving their arms and hopefully their necks.

That's the setup for this movie, which is basically a cross between The One Armed Swordsman and Sanjuro, with ridiculous amounts of gimmicky weapon fighting and fountains of blood.  It's pretty awesome.  There are a few of the Sword Kings who get short shrift - Muscles King and Poison Sword King, we hardly knew ye - but overall, every bad guy gets his moment in the blood red sun.  The amount of disciples following Fang Gang fluctuates depending on the amount of dead bodies needed for each showdown, but who's counting.  Give me One Armed Swordsing every 10 minutes or so, and it's all fine.

The original seemed to be trying to present it's story in the real world, so there wasn't too much wire work and just a few 2 story standing jumps.  In this movie, nobody stays connected to the ground for too long.  One Armed Helicopter?  Yes, please!  But my favorite thing about this movie is that a lot of people who had minor roles in the first movie are recast as different characters in this one.  The main bad guy, Stealth King, is played by the same actor who was Fang Gang's master in the first movie.

I know that there are at least 3 other One Armed Swordsman movies after this one, but I can't see them surpassing this one.  This is a definite must see.  It's a good thing the movie is this entertaining, because you get absolutely nothing in the way of extras on the dvd.  But even without extras, this is a great movie.