Season of the Witch 2011 Dominic Sena

I'm sort of fascinated by Nicolas Cage and his desperate need to pay off the IRS and not be broke.  He seems to accept any role offered to him, and because he says yes, some really iffy movies get made.  Sometimes they're awesome - Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - sometimes they're awesome trash - Drive Angry - and sometimes they're just trash.  This joins Knowing in the trash pile.

Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman play buddies in the Crusades.  Before every battle, they make a bet on who will kill the most infidels.  Whoever comes up short has to pay the bar tab that night.  Sounds fair.  Then Nicolas Cage discovers that -oh my god- they kill women and children too in this Crusade thing!  That's not fair at all, so the two buddies decide to quit this whole Crusade bag and hit the road.

Since the Church is like the mob - once you're out, they pull you back in - Nic and Ron get blackmailed into pulling one last job, and then they're out for good.  This time they have to escort a team of religious folks who are taking a witch to an abbey to be burned at the stake.

Things don't turn out well for most of the people involved, but honestly, I kind of tuned out at this point.  And I didn't miss anything.  I mean, I saw when characters died, and I even correctly guessed how and when certain characters would go, but I just didn't care.  At all.  There's nothing worse than a bad Nicolas Cage movie that's also boring.  It's not even fun bad.  It's just lame.

Pay your bills, buddy.  At least you'll be able to stop making movies like this one.

Ode to Billy Joe 1976 Max Baer Jr.

Welcome to another edition of "Why The Hell Isn't This On DVD?".  The movie in question is Ode to Billy Joe.  It was made in 1976, was a big hit, and promptly disappeared.  Now it's back, thanks to Netflix Instant Watch, and it's pretty fantastic.

The movie follows in the grand tradition of films based on songs.  What's that?  No good movies were ever based on songs?  What about Convoy?  Or Take This Job and Shove It?  This movie's different, though.  I swear.  Yes, it was directed by Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies, but still.  I'm not going to bother with the plot details - listen to the song, it's all there.

The film looks fantastic.  It was shot on location in Mississippi, near the spots mentioned in Bobbie Gentry's song.  I was surprised to see that the cinematographer basically did years and years of TV shows after this, which is a real shame.  It would look spectacular on Blu-ray.  Most of the extras in the movie appear to be locals, which adds to the realism of the film.

Then there's Robby Benson.  When I was a kid, Robby Benson was in everything.  HBO had a habit of running the same 10 movies for what seemed like months at a time, which meant that alongside the Robby Benson-free  Beastmaster and Young Doctors in Love, I saw Ice Castles, One on One, and Running Brave pretty much nonstop.  When I saw Kon Ichikawa's Tokyo Olympiad, which contains the real Billy Mills running his real gold medal race, I thought "Oh my god, he really does look like Robby Benson!"  And guess what?  Robby Benson totally comes through in this movie, too. 

That's not to say that his love interest, Bobby Lee Hartley (Glynnis O'Connor), is anything special, though.  Billy Joe does jump off the Tallahatchie Bridge, after all.  Bobby Lee does nothing except radiate overwhelming plainness.  Glynnis O'Connor is a good actress - she has a great scene near the end with the sawmill owner (James Best - Roscoe P. Coltrane, himself!) - but she doesn't seem to be worth all the trouble.

But it is a story about young lovers, after all, so maybe Robby Benson's uncontrollable urges are understandable in that light.  They even got Michel Legrand to do some appropriately romantic music for the film.  He did the score for The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, one of the most romantic movies of all time, so he knows what he's doing.  In fact, they loaded up talented people on both sides of the camera for this film.  Not bad for a movie based on a hit song.

It's certainly better than Harper Valley P.T.A..

Brannigan 1975 Douglas Hickox

He was supposed to be Dirty Harry, but he turned it down.  Then Dirty Harry became a huge hit, and the old cowboy had to leave the ranch to prove that he could still handle the punks of today (1975).  Because of that, we have Brannigan - in which 68 year old John Wayne plays a tough as nails Chicago cop sent to London to bring back a gangster named Larkin (John Vernon).

Since that would be a boring and short movie, hijinks ensue, and Brannigan, his Scotland Yard boss Sir Charles (Richard Attenborough), and driver Jenny (Judy Geeson) have to find Larkin before other bad guys kill him.  It really doesn't matter, though.  The whole movie is just an excuse to have The Duke amble through London insulting everyone and causing property damage.  I actually think that this movie is a huge reason for the "Ugly American" stereotype.  John Wayne thinks all English people are simple, and goddamn it, he's not giving up his gun!  He's from Chicago!  He needs his gun!  He still speaks like this is a western!  He does what he wants!  USA!  USA!  USA!

Probably the most famous sequence of the movie happens when Brannigan goes into a pub to talk to a suspect.  Through his very special John Wayne powers, he causes a brawl.  Not just any brawl, but a full fledged saloon brawl!  He's punching people and calling them "Pardner".  People are being thrown at the piano player, and one guy even falls through the breakaway railing on the upper level.  The only things missing are cowboy hats.

It's not that bad of a movie - it's just a little sad to see John Wayne look so out of place.  He has the same problem as Kiera Knightley - he just doesn't look like he belongs in the present.  John Wayne should never be in a car.  Or a pub.  Or a bathroom.  It just feels wrong.  But he is still likeable, and through it all, you really want to see him catch the bad guy, even if he is visibly loaded in a few scenes (especially the showdown with Larkin's kidnappers - I could smell the booze through my TV!).  Don't go thinking he's too old for this, though.  Sylvester Stallone's making The Expendables 2, and when that comes out, he'll be a ripe, old 66.  Food for thought, isn't it?